It has been just over six years since I was diagnosed with cancer. Since then I have had surgery, chemotherapy and radiation at 2 different hospitals and a series of scans and six months of lying around on the bed after work, yes, i never stop working, staring out the window at the dapple light of days, yawning and stretching until the night creeps in. I felt suspended in a giant aquarium of a cisplatin;taxotere world and time stopped for six months. I questioned myself, my work, the world, death, and the spirit beyond. I struggled to have faith in the doctors, in the treatment, and in myself. Everyone was so sure I would be fine - I was such a 'positive' person - I would be back and at it in no time. Truth is I was scared, very scared, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide under the blanket.
But I didn't die. I live. Once treatment was over, to be exact ended on Boxing Day 26TH DEC 08 I was ushered back out in to the world with 'off you go then'. No guarantees - just the long wait between checkups to see if cancer had returned. There was no 'end' to cancer - just a finished chapter with the next one waiting to be read, with no hints at the ending.
I had a choice: live worrying whether the cancer would come back, or live expecting the cancer to be gone. No guarantees either way, but it sure felt better to expect good health than worry about sickness.
So I learned to live not knowing if the cancer would come back, but enjoying each day. I make plans anyway. I look forward to the future. And all the time I am so grateful.Firstly to Allah swt for giving me strength. Grateful to my friends, to my family, to my colleagues, to the countless of strangers who prayed for me around the world. I am grateful for the sunshine,the morning,the noon and the night. I notice small things; I savour moments like when my grandchildren grins deliciously at me with a full sparkle of joy or the guy at the market with his wry smile in his shorts and singlet winks and gives me a special deal.
In facing death I have come to love life so much, even the hard, bitter and nasty bits. When I heard news of a colleague,(my friend Teoh Kin Meng) who took his own life after a long struggle with depression, I found myself angry, sad, and confused. I struggle knowing that someone can fight so hard to live while another discards his life and all the promise of the future.
Yet I know the darkness of the big C. Chemotherapy and radiation was at times so depressing, like a coffin bearing down on me. I prayed for relief, prayed for escape, and I understood then why thoughts of death as an end to suffering come to us. Not the most beautiful sunrise, or a warm hug from a loved one can cut through this kind of pain. It is so difficult to feel joy when you are sick.
I knew my nausea would end - I had to make it through 14 days of torturing sickness that comes with each round of chemo, but I knew eventually the next 7 days, it would subside then the cycle starts all over again which i call the roller coaster ride of my life, waiting for the end of a dark tunnel and this went on over a period of 4 every 3 weeks i.e 84 torturing days after which the radiation starts and being burned 5 times a week for 7 weeks. The days where I woke up without feeling sick were so fantastic - my spirit lifted and soared in relief. For someone with cancer illness, however, there is no promise of an end to suffering.
If the passing on of my mum and dad and friends that i once knew teaches ME anything, it is this: life is short and precious. Don't waste another minute being miserable. Show those around you how much you love them. Look with a child's wonder and delight at the world around you. Find reasons to laugh and smile. Love yourself. Love the gift of life.
Remembering my cancer journey, I choose to live life to the fullest now. I choose to believe in anticipating of the small miracles I know will appear each day. I choose to love and to laugh.
TO MY WIFE SARINA AND ALL MY CHILDREN FAR AND NEAR, MY GRANDCHILDREN, MY FAMILY, MY DEAR BROTHER TOMMY AND ROSE,MY DEAREST JULIE , CRYSTAL AND,LUKE, IN PERTH AND TO MY BEST FRIEND DAVID MCGILLIVRAY, MR RICK LOH, ALL MY DEAR FRIENDS,MY COLLEAGUES AND MY EMPLOYERS THANK YOU FOR EVERY OUNCE OF HELP, PRAYERS AND CONFIDENCE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME DURING MY TIME OF ILLNESS.LAST BUT NOT LEAST DR LEONG KIN WAH,DATO DR ZATTAR,MY FRIEND DR LAM OF IPOH AND ALL THE NURSES THANK YOU
I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT AND BE WELL FOR AS LONG AS I SHALL LIVE, INSYAALLAH.
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