Dearest Children,you are now grown ups, I keep repeating that statement over and over in
my mind, trying to understand what it means. I have had your lifetime to
prepare for this, sometimes wanting it to come quickly and sometimes hoping
this day would never come. Most of the time though, I have been preparing
myself and preparing you, by madly gathering life’s questions and answers in
the hope that I haven’t forgotten anything. I keep revising the list inside my
head; checking off all the things I know I’ve already told you – so many times.
As tempting as it is to slip a few of the big ones into a casual conversation I
correct myself and let it go. An image of your face appears before me and I see
your eyes look upward and your mouth tighten with that expression of yours
that we both know so well. “dad I know – you have told me a hundred times
already.
Protecting you and preparing you has been such a big part of who I am – it’s
hard to redefine myself and accept that my job is done.
I remind myself that this is about you, but as usual, here I am making it about
me again. Slightly neurotic, I find myself wanting to explain or apologize or gain
some kind of absolution from you. I want to go back into your history and call
myself to your attention and wipe the slate clean of all my mistakes. I do admit
that I have been selfish and hypocritical at times, and I don’t want you to leave
now thinking it was your fault or that you didn’t deserve better.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you say ‘Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter”.
I have such an urge to tell you of promises I made, as you slept below my heart
all those years ago. So very real and profound to me and so intense I’m sure I’
d weep if I even tried to tell you. You of course, would shift from one leg to the
other and endure my disclosure with discomfort and impatience.
I’m indulging myself, it’s my prerogative, but I have promised myself to keep it
all to myself. I want to reminisce, at a time when you have one foot out the
door. I’m going back to the baby and you are going forward to a grown up You
have freedom, independence and adventure on your mind. I know you are
ready; capable, competent and smarter than I’ll ever be.
My attitude shifts as I accept you don’t need any precautions, no more
moralizing; no more “You know what you should do…”
And even though I have represented myself as parent and teacher I see so
clearly that I have also been the pupil. I have learned so much from you, you
have played such a large part in moulding me into the person I am. You have
taught me well and I thank you.INSYAALLAH GOD BLESS AND AMEEN.
